Disappointed

Well, that didn’t go like I had planned….in my head. Again, I waited patiently for him to come to bed. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but basically he agrees I spoke disrespectfully to him, argued and talked back. So yes, I broke a resolution/goal for submission. Those facts we agreed on but that was it. We agreed to disagree on the original cause of my disrespect. So, agreeing and acknowledging my transgressions was all he had to say. What? No discipline? Are you kidding me!?! What about my reporting to him and he holding me accountable? He did not want to punish me because somehow after my confession and discussion, he would feel like a sh*t head if he spanked me now. Eventually I twisted his arm but only because it was our regular maintenance night.

I’m so disappointed 😔I really thought we were headed in a D/s direction. We were at one of the kids tournaments yesterday and he’s been gone all today. A little while ago, I picked up our journal and resolution chart and made an entry and filled in the chart. I basically told him I was disappointed and why. If he doesn’t want to try…sort-of- kind of – if – that’s what you want to call it/relationship, than just tell me so I can forget this and my submission. Geez, this is ridiculous! Sorry to ramble on but this my only outlet 😞

New Year Resolutions

I had an idea that I thought would revive our D/s and help my husband get on board with D/s. Instead of my previous intricate and cumbersome rules list I originally came up with, that I hoped he would reinforce and apply discipline – he balked at, that just might bring life to my desire for D/s. I quite unexpectedly had the thought of coming up with 7 simple New Year’s resolutions. I presented this list to him with the expectation that he would hold me accountable for not achieving a goal or goals each week. He surprisingly thought it was a good idea and said he would help me with my goals. I am elated.

I broke a goal or failed to complete a goal yesterday, I argued and talked back instead of voicing my feelings and opinions respectfully. I wrote in my journal and apologized, hoping he would read it and decide whether punishment was in order but he didn’t read it last night, so I called it a night and went to bed.

He finally read my journal entry this morning and said we would talk about it and take care of tonight. But, here I lay waiting for him to come to bed. I can’t stay awake much longer, as I’ve already taken my bipolar meds. Feeling a little disappointed.

But, there is hope. He has shown signs of dominance in calling me to him and I come running to kneel at his feet. He is pulling my hair and pinning me from behind as he takes advantage of his freedom to roam my body. I can’t tell you all the feelings I have and what effect it has, uncontrollably, by the way, causing all kinds of physical responses.

Even if discipline is not given out tonight, there’s still tomorrow and the high hopes of more to come. And, not to jinx, but I think he’s liking it and said there’s no going back now….

I don’t think I fit in….

I read about everyone’s life and mine is just not the same ☹️ it’s like I’m living vicariously through each of you. We started D/s, our relationship got a little better – like a baby bird trying to fly – finally started to fly and smack! Life and kids threw us a curve ball. Now all he thinks maintenance is, and maintenance is ALL there ever is anymore, about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I like the aftercare snuggle, which with him, always leads to sex. But I’m not getting the dominance I crave. But, I……spankings hurt. I think I have a very LOW pain tolerance and I don’t think I could handle it if he gave it to me full force. He always stops with each implement right before I cry out or fly off his lap. So am I weird that I like spankings and dominance but don’t want to be beaten till I’m a complete mess, sobbing incoherently over his knee? I want to try kinky “stuff” but I have no clue as to what. Seriously, I have NO idea even where to start! Sorry I’m ranting. I’ve put too much pressure on myself. We’re going out for our 20th wedding anniversary dinner in a few hours and I just want to discuss how we can do this D/s thing better….for both of us…I want more……I need more….but I can’t expect too much from someone who doesn’t know much more than me; or refuses to do a little research himself…..that’s all…..🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Second post, where to begin?

Our relationship, I don’t really have an official name for him, except at certain times, (we are husband and wife), is ……..well, hard to say, never the same from one day to the next. Of course we love each other, officially 20 years in November. Unfortunately, I seem to be the cause of most of the ping-pong ball all over the court. Not to give myself an excuse, but I am bipolar and my moods, feelings and actions are quite like the ball – all over the place at times. Then, there are those rare, but exceptional, times when my moods level out and I can be quite “pleasant” to be around, or so I’m told.

I enjoy reading about everyone else, and I must admit, I do compare our D/s relationship to others, even though that is ill-advised. We had barely dipped our feet in the water and had happily started on a new journey of what we thought we wanted, when an unexpected life change came, and the stress from it, that is now weighing on me and demanding so much of my time, has already derailed what we started.

Submission, rules, consequences, maintenance etc. have all been put on the back burner and now I’m wondering when we will find a new normal and return to our previous agreement. I have fallen back into old, bad habits and we had been doing so well. We were happy and he even said he looked forward to coming home to see me. Now, not so much.

The only thing we have managed to hold to, hit and miss, is maintenance sessions. I am still required to confess any rule breaking, such as disrespect and bad attitudes with the option of the maintenance turning into discipline. He still reserves the right to correct any bad behavior immediately but I’d be waiting till the cows came home for that to ever happen. This was all my idea and while he likes the changes he’s seen in me, he hasn’t grown to the point or into the position of dominance I would prefer.

So here we are, just drifting along. Two kids are gone tonight, maybe we can have a heart to heart, real, uninterrupted discussion…🤞

Finally, My First Post, EVER!

In the Beginning…..

I guess I stumbled across this TIH, DD, D/s lifestyle, whatever your preference, about 2 1/2 years ago, and it really got my attention and hopes up.

Back ground: We had just recently and shockingly gotten pregnant b/c of my age, and just as I was accepting the fact I was pregnant and becoming excited about having a 4th child, out of the blue, I miscarried. I had had 3 healthy pregnancies and 3 healthy babies and the thought of a miscarriage never entered my mind, and I was beyond devastated. I have a mental illness. I’m bipolar II, depressed way more than hypomanic. I had to stop all my medicine cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant and after the loss of my baby I fell face first into a deep, dark hole. Of course I resumed all my medications, only thing, they didn’t work like before….. Oh, and did I mention my younger sister was pregnant at the same time, a week apart we were. She had tried and tried and was finally pregnant and we had always wanted to have kids the same ages and it seemed our dream was coming true. In reality I couldn’t put the pain of this miscarriage behind me because she lives 1/4 mile from me and her pregnancy was a constant reminder of what I had lost. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled that she was finally pregnant and having the chance to be a mom but I couldn’t have closure and move on.

So in the summer of 2016, when I was googling, I don’t even remember what, I found this lifestyle. My marriage was strained to say the least. I devoured everything I could find and the more I read, the more I thought this could help me with my depression and our marriage. I finally summoned the courage to nonchalantly bring up the subject to my husband, to see what initial reaction I might get. He all but thought it was absurd. Sigh….not what I wanted or needed to hear. So I put my thoughts back on the shelf and forgot about it.

Fast forward to this year, this “lifestyle” resurfaced and I was bound and determined to make a case as to why this would help me and help us. Only b/c I had been struggling for the whole 2 1/2 years since, he did honestly listen to me this time. I knew there was NO way he would look up anything about the subject or read more than a paragraph of something I printed for him, even though there was so much I wanted him to read so he could learn about this lifestyle and not depend on me to be the leader —geeez! So this wasn’t going to be easy. Also, he is the most layed back, easy going, really have to push him hard to make him mad kind of guy and I knew that asking him to punish me would be a HARD sell.

More later…..